Recently I was able to drive to tiny Findhorn Village in the heat of mid-day and take the local water taxi across the bay to the fair beaches of Culbin Sands. For a mere £5 return, a college lad ferried me across to this beach ordinarily accessed by a long drive and then a very very long walk or bike ride. Culbin Sands' history is pretty intriguing if you want to click on the link. The normal route through the Culbin Forest is exceedingly twisty and turny. Not carrying a map would be seriously asking for it.
Along that theme, four us of spent several hours last week creating a Mind Map. This is like brainstorming except with more colors. Ruthie came by with armloads of large white sheets of paper and fistfuls of colored pens. After a delicious picnic luncheon together (thank you, Tony & Ali!), the four of us sat down in the living room. After Ruthie's brief guided meditation, we began. For over two hours we drew, linked, joined, mused, clarified and created. We uncovered, discovered and explored. We then put down our pens, sighed and hugged. It was time to let go and incubate.
And so it has been. Since then, a shift in direction has become manifest.... after days of ruminating, more drawing, sharing, dreaming, putting the Mind Map sheets up in my bedroom, breathing in, breathing out and praying. While Scotland is and ever shall be the home of my heart, it is time to return to the USA while my health is not only stable but, even after June's unfortunate illnesses, growing slowly more robust.
Depending on one's outlook and how valid are the medical world's numbers, not having a bone marrow transplant is considered waiting for a relapse. Having a heads up for a relapse is impossible. AML does not give advance warnings. We all agreed that the former comfort in having been called "stable" just a month ago was nearly obliterated by being referred to as a "ticking bomb" only 2 weeks ago. The other clear sea change was that continuing to receive medical care in the UK shifted from graciously possible to something that would eventually bankrupt me.
I have the type of leukemia whereby doing absolutely everything that the allopathic world dictates still gives me at best 45% chances of survival, which is defined as not dying before five years are up. These numbers do not address quality of life nor whether I become financially impoverished in the process. So if I stare too hard, I can get very grim very quickly.
I continue to study natural healing modalities. I study them slowly. I have embarked on several. I believe I have made a most profound shift in my self care and it has been by coming here to stay with abundantly loving and supportive friends in a land that I adore. And the truth is that I am a visitor. I can only stay past my six months if I choose to become an illegal alien. That doesn't resonate with me.
My friends and I have shone our collective flashlights on our perceptions of the message emerging from our Mind Map session. We all have agreement, tinged with sadness that it is, that returning Stateside sooner rather than later is wise and prudent.
I am blessed beyond words to have the love of friends like Tony & Ali here in Scotland and Klaus & Susan in the USA who have said, "Come. Be with us." I ask that you pause as you read this and send them a beam of heavenly Light. They are angels on earth.
Yesterday morning I made the mid-week Eucharist at St. John's here in Forres. I have only recently been asking Jesus that I draw close to Him because He is Who He is and not only because I'm there with my hands out and a fairly edgy shopping list. Good people live and good people die. I am trying to breathe into some manner of spiritual authenticity and Acceptance without white-knuckling my way into a whine of "Gimme gimme gimme what I want, God!" I know perfectly well what I want and so does my Lord - it's vibrant health, a complete cure, happiness, a long and joyous life, creative purpose, financial abundance, music, sobriety and being of Service as He asks me to be.
May it be so.