Granted, I am eager for the day when the too near presence of leukemia ceases to be a part of the picture. There is wholeness and complete healing that I am invoking, hiccup'd by the shards of my humanity.... fear, doubt, uncertainty, worry. Right now - right now! - I sit by a window where birds ignore the afternoon drizzle and feast on seed. I'm still here at Fisherman's Bothies with Tony & Ali. I arrive with my welcoming beloveds Klaus & Susan in 13 days. My daily awarenesses grate with edginess and spending just a little bit too much time in my head.
Later this afternoon, a small group of us will gather for the long-awaited Crossword Puzzle Movie Night. Aligning stars, schedules and health has taken far more time than I expected. Ali has just helped me create a masterful Jamie Oliver Mega Chocolate Fudge Cake (from his Ministry of Food Cookbook - there's a plug, as if the lad needs one .... not!). Deej is making an organic chicken casserole which probably has a fancier dancier name than this brief blip. Ali 'n Matchy will score some manner of vegetarian entree. I'll also make roast vegetables later on. We'll feast, we'll gab, we'll watch Wall-E.... which I've been waiting to do since my former Bay Area voice coach par excellence gave me the DVD as a going-away gift!
Yesterday, the Forres Highland Games were resplendent in brilliant sunshine. Today the temperatures have dropped and the wet has returned. Clothes dryer, I think. Damn but I miss having a clothes dryer. Soon..... soon.....
My sinus and respiratory unwellness from June still taunts a bit. I refuse to take any more antibiotics, as too much will just further crater the immune system. Right now I'm sipping organic apple cider vinegar and honey in hot water. Ali may set me up with her personal stash of goldenseal. I have rest and prayer. Yes, the committee between my ears gnaws at my peace and presence. I was far less paranoid about symptomatology before the AML lurched into my life. Am I tired, which is okay sometimes? Or am I stressed, which I can change? Or Does It MEAN Something? I have some choices. Finding the one that's real and which I can LIVE with in PEACE is a dance sometimes!
I am betwixt and between places. I preferred being here in the spirit of getting to know folks and finding my way, even in-between medical visits. Now I'm saying goodbye again. I can begin to taste the joys awaiting me back Stateside. I wish I was there now. I don't like saying goodbye.
Breathing in and breathing out, I watch the birds eat their seed.