Sunday, October 24, 2010

and a blueberry milkshake

I spent the day with an old flame.

Fourteen years since we'd last met, 18 years since our romance. I was nervous, excited, anticipatory. As I prayed I thought, "Lord, when I have I been this eager to see You? To fellowship with You? Does my heart skip an extra beat or do I trod into an Office, a prayer, a sitting…. like brushing my teeth? Would I buy You soft chocolate chip cookies to go with the real caffeinated coffee I myself would not drink? Would I tidy the home of my inner reaches or simply sigh, "I'm so glad You forgive and accept me." Am I taking You for granted again, Lord?

In the flesh another layer is peeled. This layer says, "You are a failure in relationship. You never married. You are cracked, broken, and now in mid-life, not the hottest chick on the block." I brush that aside while I yeah-but my way through my admittedly full days and evenings. Yeah BUT!

I didn't leave this man eighteen years ago; he left me. I spent the better part of a day with a man with whom I once fantasized marriage. We were companionable. No lunging, mind you. We're older and well-behaved. I spent the day with an old flame and felt the quiet pleasure of being with someone with whom I get along well.

I didn't feel so broken after all. We had a lovely day. We shared stories. Hugs. Laughter, oh yes, laughter.

He lives far far away. I spent the day with an old flame while an old frame crumbled away.

God can do that.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Now priority

This impassioned leader in the "Jesus Movement" from the 70's died way, way too young in a plane crash. Is this where "trust God but tie up your camel" comes in? I don't understand the tragic nature of his early death, but oh did he make big waves for God while he was here. Keith Green: October 21, 1953 – July 28, 1982.

I goof off in Facebook more than post in here - linking juicy articles, leaving one-liners, smirking at friends. In front of my big, fat 27" new iMac screen, I can let my prayers to be God's able steward dribble aside while I furrow my brow and try to make SENSE of it all. Zoom! go my adrenals. WHEEE! goes my self-will, aided and abetted by another mug of delicious pu-erh tea. I take cuts from work by sneaking onto Facebook... and find THIS.... a YouTube video of a recording so old it's audio only. And inside of me I felt, "I need to post this to my blog - not to Facebook. HERE."

I have such a rich life! Yes, many of my counts still suck while others are just the yippiest, but as I've said, I'm more than my lab values. I'm more than a remission roadshow. I'm graced by the Lord God to have another day to be fruitful, focused, praising His Name and.... happy.

I say thanks a lot more than I used to.

I still have fears and I round 'em off at the pass with prayer more than I used to.

This song of Keith Green's caught me in a mid-day brow furrow. Oh yes. I remember now, Lord.


Saturday, October 2, 2010

a delicious ordinariness

Only once in the past whatever amount of time has anyone said to me, "You haven't written in your blog lately!" What my friends do say is, "How are you?" Occasionally they'll add, although less and less so, "... um, I haven't looked at your blog lately, but... how are you?" I connect in real time now. Email? Hardly.... I virtually can never keep up with those. Calls. Yes. Within 48 hours a phone call IS returned. And in person... at Church... in life. "How are you?" Real life in real time.

"I'm doing really, really well," I say. It's true!

Blog-land began for me when the overwhelm of October 2008's AML tsunami rendered me speechless and unable to give one-on-one accounts. Perhaps I'm still looking for an ordinary mojo reporting tactic because for the most part, I feel marvelous and give praise to the Lord every single day. Is this a cure? I am praying myself into that paradigm shift! What a BLESSING that the gauntlet is such a memory.

Health quip: The MDS remains. I want it gone. And my blood counts and I are entering a new dialogue, with my Centering Prayer/meditation practice now including the visualization of their hearty NORMAL numbers. Like a fair weather bud, I've occasionally cast a pointed glance in the direction of my marrow, urging it to recharge and revive. While I attend to my health with intention and even the odd blast of discipline, it's less so under the umbrella of fear and more in a positive focus. Do I wig sometimes? Sure. So much less so than a year ago, even 6 months ago, praise be to GOD.

I continue to work with a strong healing team while investigating new opportunities, from hyperbaric oxygen therapy to a delightful energy session with Master Ron Lew down in San Jose. I've just joined a health club, the Marin Jewish Community Center - a treat I'd eyed for myself since returning to California late last year. My neighborhood jogging and home Rebounding needed a boost. I needed a boost. The pull of my heritage from my father's side is palpable in that environment.

I'm framing my life and story less in light of health or illness and more simply... as I am. If someone close to me was coughing their guts out, yeah, I'd move away and quickly. But it's more about how I want to let God reshape me... that IS my focus.

I am working again, catching up on 18 months of health crisis layoff and finding my place again learning about money, investments and markets. Daily I ask the Lord to show me how to be a "good steward of the talents." It's a mad and crooked arena, with smoke and mirrors the operating protocol. I'm trying to be disciplined and shrewd without losing my focus on what is REALLY important to me - my life here and now, blessed by God!

I read Forward Day by Day before bed each night. Here is an opening from last month: Psalm 81. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt and said, "Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it." Have you every watched a nest of baby birds, where their insistently open mouths seem far more huge than their tiny, weak bodies? Something about this passage rivets me. Old sensations of feeling forever unworthy are falling away morsel by morsel while I learn to show up and say, "God, I know you want to love and bless me. I receive You now!"