Saturday, April 16, 2011

approaching Holy Week

Solemnity. Suffering. Salvation.

God's timing and not my own.

I am still in Gig Harbor working with the team, led by the very able and empathetic Dr. Russell Kolbo. In fact, we have prayerfully chosen to extend my treatments through Tuesday, returning on Wednesday. I've struggled with this decision on several levels, not the least of which is missing the beginning of Holy Week at my Church, St. Paul's in San Rafael. Another reason is that I am finding this particular healing path very difficult.

I thought I'd feel BETTER - now! And my team did, also. Well GEE - if I'm not feeling good, why in the blazes am I staying LONGER?

For a similar reason that I came up here in the first place: Because it feels like the right thing to do to give my weakened immune system a shot of joy-juice.

I need to remind myself that while I can feel instant uppity wow! in the short term - after prayer, after exercise, after a lovely mug of tea with honey - some things just bypass my expectations and stick their naughty little tongues out at me. You'd THINK that after IV infusions of these amazing healing concoctions, from high dose Vitamin C to the "Myer's Cocktail" to oxygenating hydrogen peroxide, I'd feel GREAT! I don't. And I am suspecting that this is a drawn-out Herxheimer experience. Die-off. Detox.

One of my practitioners of the past 2-1/2 years told me, "When my European clinic patients would feel terrible after IV therapy, they'd call me up and THANK me." What? They understand that this is the process.

Another difficult inner dynamic is my "Showtime, Folks!" subpersonality. I wanted this to be a jolly, heels kicking up adventure I'd write about with glee. Look! The training wheels are off of my kid's bicycle and I can do it MYSELF! I'm having an expectation malfunction.

As well as the visceral buoyancy I yearn for, I am reminded that my blood cells have a life span and it doesn't involve an overnight turnaround. True, I need to monitor them. I do. And faith is a part of that trek. Here's some research I did on their little lifespans:

"Platelets have an average life of 8-12 days

The white blood cells have a rather short life cycle, living from a few days to a few weeks. A drop of blood can contain anywhere from 7,000 to 25,000 white blood cells at a time.

The lifespan of white blood cells ranges from 13 to 20 days

The average lifespan of a red blood cell is 100-120 days (4 months).

The average lifespan of non-activated neutrophils in the circulation is about 5.4 days"

It is important that I pay attention and yet not become utterly tied up in them. This is a worthy intention. I fail at it much of the time. Oh they're UP! Oh shit, they're DOWN! My propensity for crazy-making remains.

While it's honestly one of the least of my worries, I am anemic. Ta-daaaaa. And if I pour serious dollars into the latest supplements, chow down on grass-fed beef, beet juice delights and other iron-rich foods, those red cells will take 4 months to become reborn. Yes, I know it's not acutely linear... today's healing jolts could show in a week or so. However... there is timing. And patience.

And while it's nothing like what our Lord Jesus did for us, there's suffering.

How many have heard the tale of what happens when you try to hurry along a butterfly chrysalis? The beautiful creature is destroyed or damaged. "But I was just trying to help!"

Timing. God's timing.


  1. You jest stop messin' around and get better, you hear me ? XX Mike

  2. I know from experience that in detoxing, one usually feels worse before feeling much, much better ... Emotional ups and downs are part of my life as well - but I don't have any great advise on that. I did recently learn about the imaginal cell (happens inside a caterpillars' cocoon) and that greatly brightened up my week. Basically I rely heavily on denial (that's just a wee bit of physical sensation, nothing broken) and I try to spend time considering other things - anything but myself. Other than that, I just hunker down and ride it out and make sure to stay connected to friends. Wishing I could do more to help... sending you a great big (and still gentle) HUG!! Namaste,

  3. I read your post and then thought about it for awhile and read it again. It seems to me that this is the Divine's way of putting a gentle hand on your shoulder and saying, "Slow down." The want is to be better right now, bouncing off on another adventure. But perhaps it is simply time to breathe, and relax, and let go of the right now. Resist the temptation to want it all now, and let it come to you in waves, as it will. I believe that if you will take a moment, to breathe, to let go of all of the expectations, that the healing will come, and quickly. Instead of being in the thick of it, enjoy the little break in your snug room at the B&B, or maybe a massage?

    Always remember, you are NOT your blood counts.

    Maybe, if health allows, a trip to St. Mark's would be in order...Palm Sunday in a familiar setting.

    All of us are praying with you and for you. Hugs and blessings.

  4. (In a Craig Ferguson voiceover), "I KNOW!"

  5. St. Mark's, yes - I do miss it... however the 50-mile each way drive is daunting with current low energy levels. :-( ... your wisdom is again much appreciated. I can't fight what I can't fight - ! So it goes and sometimes comes peace.

    Susan, thanks - to paraphrase what you said about hunkering down, one of the things I'll take home with me is the truly kind nurse's quip (in response to my frequent "oww! oooo!" is "Just suck it up, buttercup." :-)

  6. I hope that morning brings you renewed energy and joy. In the meantime, perhaps a nice cuppa tea would help. If you let the Peace in, I think it can only help the healing process. Hugs and Blessings, rest and love.

  7. So funny - either I lapse in response or babble-babble-babble! I felt touched in my heart about St. Mark's and feel that that's where I'll worship tomorrow. If you're part of that community, please introduce yourselves as "Anonymous." :-) It would be a pleasure to put faces to warm prayers!

  8. Diane, this sounds hard. I'm sorry. I know just what you mean about wanting to write a "good news" post... I remember feeling like "I failed" when I felt worse than I anticipated. But during this Holy week, remember this... I think Christ is glorified the most when a person who is suffering continues to treasure Him and trust Him. Maybe that is sharing in the suffering of Christ, and that is very profound. I'm praying for you and hope you get to worship with your church community this week... but regardless... we worship with a community of believers throughout the world even if we are alone in a cell.

  9. God bless you, my friend. I am off to the Clinic now.......!

  10. I hope that St. Mark's was balm to your soul, and the beginning of a rise into wellness and joy.

  11. It. Was. BEYOND. Amazing on more levels than I can articulate.

  12. Safe flight home. May you arrive refreshed and restored. Hugs & Blessings.