and on this side....

It's hard for me sometimes to find the right photo. I choose one to focus on the post's topic and I want it to be Just Right. Seeking and choosing this one took a bit more effort as that which I hope to share is still unfolding for me. So klutzy attempts at perky cuteness will clatter to the floor.

It's Lent and I can be a bit dour, even though this fermenting shift attends to things ultimately joyous.

The question on my plate is one I struggle with: At what point in time will I stand up and accept that I AM HEALED by Christ's mercy?

An old and ostensibly current dividing line in the cancer dance is the 5-year mark. In many cancers, one can graduate from an edgy "remission" into a full-fledged CURE! in 5 years. {And who decided THIS?} I have no idea who came up with that number or why, but it has also been pointed out that if someone dies 5 years and 2 days after the initial cancer diagnosis, then they did not die from the cancer. (Camera close up to eyes rolling). And when you think of it, five years is a pretty solid chunk of time to spend living a life whistling in the dark and HOPING that The Thing doesn't rear its ugly head once again.

So amidst my 94% organic raw vegan cuisine, daily prayers, fresh air, juicing, green smoothies, exotic herbal supplements.... on and on and ON, and it's quite a list!.... is the need to address my consciousness, my faith and what the squirrel cage between my ears is doing on any given day.

There are times when this is hard.

At what point do I believe that Christ can and would heal me? And to the extent that my mouth and my solar plexus part company in a pathetically slipshod manner, how may I step across that divide and say, "Yes, Lord, I receive this whole healing from You NOW!"

Look. I am going to die someday. My will is seriously entangled in "when." I don't want it to be soon and I don't want it to be from leukemia. Writing books and doing aerobics in my eighties are part of my living fantasies. And with everything in my being devoted to prayer (mine AND yours!), to trusting GOD, to doing the work of rebuilding myself as best I can....I acknowledge that that hour is out of my hands. So how do I not cross but bridge the divide of saying, "I receive my complete healing now in Jesus' name!" and "Thy Will, o Lord, be done."

This is what is on my plate today and I cannot always make sense of it.

I limped through a very unpleasant illness for much of February.... without pneumonia, sepsis or a visit to the E.R. I emerged and I am well! My white counts and neutrophils however remain extremely low, the kind where their numbers light up in red on some lab reports. They've been too low since I was sprung from my last hospitalization on January 2nd, 2009 but lately they've dribbled even lower. I need my bone marrow to fatten up, be filled with the Holy Spirit and begin cranking out those little workers in some SERIOUSLY NORMAL numbers..... NOW. Now the good news is that, after prayer and perhaps two of those pricey IV Immune infusions, my platelets are UP! My red counts are nearing the bottom of the normal range, which is really worth shouting about in gratitude. But the whites need to MOVE IT upwards if the healing I claim is to be manifest.

My weakness in conviction became apparent when one of my holistic practitioners said, "I think it would be a good idea for you to get a bone marrow biopsy." In that one comment on Monday at midday, my psychic world went into a complete tailspin. You see, that is the ONE test that will tell me without fail whether or not the cancer has returned. Yes, the CBCs give signs, but that needle-in-the-butt bone for which no local painkiller will keep away the pain is IT. And this test can only be performed by an oncologist. The land of allopathic medicine suddenly came into my view once again.

It's one thing to feel GREAT. I do! I love my Lord and I love my team of holistic healing professionals!

It's another to say, "Let's know for sure. Now." Dan Dunphy needs to know whether he's treating low white blood cell counts or actual active leukemia.

Between the Daylight Savings Time "hangover" and feeling as though I was sideswiped with a nail-studded 2X4, it's been a rough 48 hours.

It is humbling what fear can do to me.

I have written before that until I can accept the eventuality of death, my living is a charade. And if I spend my psychic energy living in worrisome fears, many swept under the carpet, I have chained myself and cursed a projection of a jail keeper. I will neither live in denial, however.... in Whom do I put my trust?

It's Lent, and it's been a bit gritty the past few days. "Yes, God!" to the vibrant paradigm shift of claiming my COMPLETE HEALING has been knocked around not a small amount.

As it is, I've put in a message with my former oncologist, "Dr. K." Scheduling is supposed to phone me up and make an appointment for the coming few weeks. There is no rush. However, my inner work is set out for me. I do not wish to shuffle towards this procedure with bowed head, afraid. Each of the past seven I've had since November '07 have been choked with that restrictive vibration. I want to move past my old fear-based pattern and instead step into this in solid expectation that the biopsy/aspiration will show NO active leukemia. No legion of myeloblasts doing the backstroke between slamming down shooters at the Dead End Saloon. I want my white counts DOUBLED by then.... and then doubled again! Trust me, they have that far to go and that is what I want them to do by the Grace of God.

I have a fantastic life today. I will not let my struggles deny me of my gratitude. And to those of you who pray for me - more, please.... for my complete healing, my courage, my reliance on God. Thank you and bless you!