Friday, June 19, 2009

the constant is change

Go ahead - ahhhhhhh!

Right at this moment, Friday mid-afternoon just days before the summer solstice, it is POURING rain. Not a light drizzle. (Don't get me going on my laundry and the line and electric dryers and the like). An absolutely rattling the windows downpour. If you are reading this from an area experiencing drought, you're probably not a small amount jealous.

The rainbow is from a few days ago - it's a double rainbow if you look closely. What is it about them that stops whatever you're doing while someone yells, "Look! A rainbow!" They elicit such delight and coos of awe. 

They come and leave so quickly. 

I didn't really think I'd be spending a corner of my midlife nose-to-nose with "how much TIME do I have?" And I am. Not 24/7 but it's there while I pray for a way to BE PRESENT with enough awareness to not feel that I am a ticking bomb - the latter a term used by the good doctor yesterday. A ticking bomb. 

"They keep moving the goalposts," said Tony yesterday. "It's one of the things that makes this so infuriating."  I'm not going to unpack every game change other than to say it was a long day, a reasonable visit with the oncologist and we are now gearing up to look at things through different lenses. Next Thursday a group of us will sit down and create a "Mind Map." Having such wise assistance with The Options is a gift. "... and behind Door #3.....!" 

Today the rain lessens. Soon I leave for an early dinner gathering at Pauline's and then a Step Study at 1 Leask Road. Tomorrow is another day. Yesterday we DID stop at Morgan McVeigh's and while our minds were more clouded than during our visit of the prior month, it was still tasty and fun. Tony treated. 

This week I began jogging again. I had not since my bone marrow biopsy on April 28th. Also a medical professional had suggested that I not jog but take walks instead, which I have done. And I missed jogging and sometimes I don't like feeling weak and ineffectual. I'm slow on the trails and yet I can thank God that I am out amidst the trees and bracken. The river sounds are not far away. This beats pounding an urban pavement. 

I was elated to find my blood counts reasonable after having had such a wretched illness for two weeks. Those neutrophils and white cells are workin' it! I am SO proud of them! Yes, they're down from two weeks ago but they're holding gamely considering the laboring they've done: WBC 1.8, ANC a suspected 1.1 and platelets 63! 

What happens when a ticking bomb goes off? And how does one live when you don't know when it'll go off? As Fr. Tom says, 'left foot, right foot, breathe'. 

1 comment:

  1. I remember the rainbows and my sense of delight and awe. You're so right. And I really like the "left foot, right foot, breathe". It's such a good reminder to me too. I look forward with hope to hearing about your 'mind map'.
    Love, Lucca