smirking away the crows

I tried to Google a story on Patrick Swayze a week or so ago. What was up with this man so valiantly fighting pancreatic cancer? If you're reading this you probably know that he has died. May he rest in peace. And may my furrowed brow think less such thoughts as "Am I next?" than "My faith is in the One Who holds me through life and death."

Never lose hope, regardless. I remain baffled that in 2009, fiery spirits succumb to various cancers after taking the best that conventional medicine has to offer. The rare survivors, many following alternative protocols, seem absent from the media. I scrounge for their stories and I pray for courage no matter what.

This week I'll visit with two clinics, one a day's road trip away to Wilkesboro, North Carolina. I go in and out of anonymizing those with whom I interact, but I was touched by what their lead physician wrote to me.... perhaps made more poignant by my sadness after Swayze's death following his 2-year battle with pancreatic cancer:

"As I explained - we never make decisions on care until we have seen the patient, reviewed the entire file and see if the doctor/patient match is good for both. We cannot help everyone but we try to come up with solutions - even if it means seeing someone else who can benefit our patient better. Doctors are teachers - not healers - so the goal must be to help you learn what is available and then you must choose."

This is a voice of wisdom that I pray is also connected to protocols of health-building and hope. Not one of the oncologists exhorting me to get a bone marrow transplant ever spoke to me in gracious tones such as this! Again, I have not ruled it out. I'm simply not led to such a gruesome procedure today.

I tend to become more introverted and frightened in the lead up to any medical procedure. It's easier to have balanced days when I am simply doing so, breathing so, living them. Ah but when the lens zooms in, I creak and hold my breath. I don't know what I'll discover over this coming week and more. I pray I encounter it fully held by the Lord's Grace.