When I focus on the One in Whom my fears ebb away and vanish, I have peace. Five breaths later may find again my hamster cage brain in fritter-dom, but when I remember Jesus, the edginess melts. Been seein' a lot o' docs the past two weeks, from the Roswell area boop machine folks to the North Carolina Clinic to my Atlanta oncologist yesterday. Last time I saw Dr. H., nerves were frayed and tummy butterflies were scrambling into overdrive. Yesterday I met with him for a frankly obligatory check-up and check-in, with a bottom line assurance that All Is Well (as well as can be, considering). It's a consciousness lesson after all amongst other things. One of them is called, "How can I think of leukemia and not slither into a pit of fear?"
I'm learning step by step.
When I'm at Church, I'm God's Kid. When I'm singing in the choir, I'm Choir Girl - et cetera. I'm not Choir Girl with leukemia.... I'm singing and learning and wishing I could sight sing better and on and on. But when I'm sitting in a conventional doctor's office, the AML seems to swell and begin making Halloween noises. Booooo. Booooo! And I say The Jesus Prayer, fumble with my iPhone gizmos and breathe. Boooooooo.
My blood counts resembled last week's and are improved over what Dr. H's office drew 5 weeks ago. "You look good!" exuded Dr. H, who looked tired. "When shall I see you again?" I asked. "Six weeks is fine. If you get the flu and a high temperature, though, call me. I'll want to monitor you to make sure it doesn't turn into something worse." With a weak smile and a slight solar plexus thud, I said okee-dokes and skediddled out of there.
I still get triggered in a hospital setting. I came back to the house, had a bite, then went out and spent a half hour at the gym. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have Mercy on me and my endorphins which I wish I had more of not to mention some neutrophils....... please.
The awareness of "no guarantees" continues. There's a young lad named Jaymun who's not doing so well. If you'd say a prayer for him and his family, I would say Thank you for that. For my friend Steve also.....!
I focus on the One Guarantee I believe in.
Here is one of my favorite quotes from Hildegard von Bingen: "Even in a world that's being shipwrecked, remain brave and strong."
