sometimes the going gets rough

Sometimes when things seem dark, the best one can do is to pray and hang on.

The day after my last post, when my worst complaint was "spaciness" after spending SO much money to get better NOW now NOW!, I went down for the count. A short nap at mid-day, normally unheard of for me, found me in bed in my clothes all afternoon. When I awoke my temperature was 102º. It was Friday and just past 5 pm.

I left messages with both Nurse Judy at Preventive Medical Center of Marin AND with Dan Dunphy at the San Francisco Preventive Medical Group. Some prevention - I was feeling horrible! And it was the weekend witching hour where most conventional medical practices make sure you encounter a generic voicemail that says, "We are closed for the weekend. If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 9-1-1 now." This was not something I wanted to do.

So I began to say Evening Prayer, and fell into a tar pit of mixed emotions reading Psalm 92, with such lines as, "For you have made me glad by your acts, O LORD; and I shout for joy because of the works of your hands." I read that in fear, even resentment. Just earlier in the day I'd made a perfunctory slog through a dreadfully oppressive Psalm 88: "O LORD, my God, my Savior, by day and night I cry to you. Let my prayer enter into your presence; incline your ear to my lamentation. For I am full of trouble; my life is at the brink of the grave." I'd read that when I was still feeling hopeful. "I should have switched the Daily Offices," I moaned to myself. I felt ill, confused, abandoned.

And then the phone rang.

Judy was the first to call me after hours. She then phoned in a prescription for Erythromycin at a local drug store, saying, "I don't like you having a fever with your white blood counts." I told her I'd left a message with Dan and she said, "So did I, but I don't know if he'll call back."

He did. And he said, "When my German or Swiss patients would experience the symptoms you're describing to me after a treatment, they'd phone me up and thank me!" I was waiting to hear something sensible in the next sentence. "Have you heard of the Herxheimer Effect? You had an infection when you came into my office; you got an oxidative therapy which kills off bacteria and virus... it has stimulated your immune system. I think you're having a die-off reaction. And I would agree with Judy that if the fever continues after tomorrow, go on something for respiratory infection. That could be a sign of pneumonia. We have to observe closely and stay in communication here."

I live alone and felt completely looked after.... by God and by these kind healing practitioners who both gave me their cell phone numbers for the weekend.

By Saturday morning the fever had broken. The general illness symptoms remain but they are slowly exiting my body as I pile on extra ImmPower, Vitamin D3 and beta-carotene amidst my normal handfuls of supplements. I've even made a few Green Smoothies for the first time ever! Go chlorophyll!

When I had oncologists hovering over me, I would be told in no uncertain terms how dangerous it would be for me to catch a cold or flu. Vague but treacherous risks of everything from pneumonia to sepsis were trotted out. Dangers need to be acknowledged but living in such a fear-based mindset has its own deleterious effects. I have an antibiotic waiting for me at the drug store and people who will return my calls with real options.

I also have a God who listens even when I'm moaning, hurting and feeling lost.

I drove to the early service at St. Paul's yesterday to take Communion. I needed my holy medicine of Christ's Presence in the wafer and the cup. It's not only the herbs that sustain me.

Jesus and Rorschach in the same candle

I'll address this image momentarily, but my first question is: What costs $726.50 and involves a 2-hour drive, 5-hour visit including a one-hour 'lunch' break, two needle punctures (oww-oww), continued wisdom unveiling and an IV solution involving but not limited to 80 grams of Vitamin C? Answer: My first consult with a new healing practitioner.

A note for the needle phobic, which is what I am normally: For a $195.00 IV infusion of something called "Immune Drip," I left feeling.... what? Guess. Even a $100 massage is a quick trip to ahhhhh-land. How'd I feel? Spaced. Where's that credit card of mine? (Parenthetical aside to non-12 Step friends - this is classic alcoholic thinking, e.g. I bellied up to the bar, where are my ya-ya's?). When Dan Dunphy, the rather amazing practitioner over at the San Francisco Preventive Medical Group, asked how I felt afterwards and I responded with that exact word (spaced), he quipped, "Yep. That's normal." I spent less than that on an exquisite lymph drainage massage and oxygen sauna in a Sedona, Arizona spa and felt oooo-la-lah. But hey. The cold/flu is sticking, my white blood count has dropped lately and I will do what I feel is necessary and helpful to move past this current illness and the big ole hangin' underlying one that breathes fire on my battered but healing immune system.

What about the other people I've been working with since arriving back here in Northern California? Well, stepping away from conventional "slash, poison & burn" protocols doesn't necessarily allow me to have one-stop shopping. I would rather put my quarter in the cosmic gumball machine and get the one magic nummy that'll have me up 'n fixed in short order. I don't always get to skip along the shortest line between two spots. And.... no one's been ditched. However when Dr. Haas' office got a copy of my Feb. 5th CBC, the 1.5 WBC of a month prior has slipped to 1.2 and I got a phone call. It was nurse Judy. I assured her that while I was concerned, my lackadaisical response to "the numbers" in general wasn't denial - it just meant that I was used to dealing with them at these levels. "I think you should call Dan Dunphy...." she said. I commented about my work with the Pine Street Clinic and she said, "One doesn't replace the other. You can do both." So off I went, still hacking away from the cold/flu that arrived a week ago.

I have had IV vitamins before. Notes for the wary: Get GOOD phlebotomists. The gent here was stellar. And I would far rather sit in an Infusion Clinic where folks are chatting amiably while they get their high-dose Vitamin C's et al than in one with the rat poison Round-Up on the lunch menu.

Chemo DID do a good job for me in October and December of 2008: It killed those cancer cells. The problem is that those docs wanted to continue nailing me with that, and my inner wisdom said, "There's something wrong with this picture." Great! I'm in Remission! Thank you! "But we want to KEEP you in remission and this is how we do it...."

No thanks.

So I got my IV cocktail today and trotted off with one more take-home supplement plus information on another to consider. The Marrow Plus (Ji Zue Teng) by Health Concerns addresses what it sounds like - my suppressed bone marrow. Even though I DO praise my neutrophils out loud for working SO hard, I'll happily accept help today that doesn't annihilate them in the process. The other tonic is called Pro-Boost and "...benefits the immune system by increasing white blood cell counts {and} increasing T-cell and B-cell levels which are critical in helping your immune system respond quickly and aggressively in the battle against infection and disease...." When you consider that the only avenue I had in the hospital for boosting my chemo-depleted white counts was a daily $800 shot called Neupogen, which DID boost the whites and then stopped doing that the minute you removed its artificial jabs, I think I can pop for a $45 box of Pro-Boost.

We looked at my teeth, which are a minefield of mercury. This healing work is not for the faint of heart or bank account! We spoke of ways to detoxify the body, which I'm currently researching even from the healthier base of a vegan diet that is highly raw and organic. We spoke of life traumas. We spoke of humor and light-heartedness. It was a good visit. I have a great team and a deep desire to make so much money from now on that my mild blanches for handing over a credit card become mere chortles.

I'll extend my vulnerability a bit by closing in sharing about the candle. I meditate and pray in my Chapel Office, which has been created as such only in the past week. Once during Centering Prayer I became annoyed (as I do, alas) to see a smudge by Jesus' head. Thinking that once my quiet time was over, I would get rid of that darn smudge, by gum!, I then looked more closely and saw - again, this is my filter - a silhouette figure of a young girl. For anyone born in the 1950's, having silhouettes of kids was common. And with Rorschach and perhaps even The Holy Spirit smirking, I saw little Diane close to Jesus.... before I even knew His Name. My childhood was difficult at times, and in my adult healing work, mostly of a psychotherapeutic ilk, I have attempted to reclaim and re-calm little Diane. However this is the first time I pondered that I wasn't abandoned by Christ then, no matter how difficult things were. (Life on earth is hard, face it). He knew I was there and He waited, never all that far away. And so did I. That took another chink out of my dualistic thinking.

It's amazing what $2.99 at Walgreens can give you, if you look closely enough. Imagination can be a gift.

Miracle Mindedness

I revisited the photos of our Mind Maps from early last summer in Scotland. I wanted to write about this.... this MIRACLE.

I'm here sitting at my new desk (you'd love it) in my lovely new home in Novato, California, the rain dripping outside as the day meanders towards evening. When Tony, Ali, Ruthie and I sat down in the living room at Fisherman's Bothies and prayerfully created a series of Mind Maps late last June, welcoming a "Miracle" was Ali's idea (go Ali!). Clear and bright enclosed in a heart is "Vibrant Health and Complete Healing."

It was so remote a concept when we uncovered its possibility. I felt as though I was split at least in two, with a part of my mind saying, "Well (ahem) of COURSE a miracle is possible, and I love Jesus and He loves me and.... well, heck fire, why not?" And another part was still bruised from blood draws and bone marrow biopsies, with British oncologists crowding around me (I met with three while there!) and for the most part making sure I understood that I was either "a bad girl" for "not completing my course of treatment" or "a ticking bomb." These were not cheery messages, although in the presence of my treasured friends there, I was held amidst the worries. I would've been challenged to have hand-picked more embracing support. I love you guys!!

As I wrote awhile back, the Mind Map session opened up my options when the possibility of pursuing conventional cancer treatment in Scotland clattered to a halt. You may or may not remember that when I left the Bay Area in April of last year, I didn't really know what would happen next after landing in the bonnie Highlands with Tony & Ali & Co. Returning to California - and to the Bay Area! - would've made me shake my head.

I am now back and happier than I have been in years.

So what's a miracle for me today? Having caught my 1st cold of the winter and sipping hot herbal teas with honey without lunging at the nearest thermometer while shuddering in fear. Miracles plural for me dance in the blessed ordinariness of my life now, from not stressing too much about rebuilding my business with investing to realizing that if I sound like a froggy at choir practice tonight, at least I will have shown up for a hug-free attempt at perfecting our anthem for Sunday. A miracle smiles amidst my gratitude when I kanoodle about making organic vegan and frequently raw cuisine in a real kitchen - you know, one I can move around in! Not a shack in Berkeley where I felt the walls closing in on more levels than one, but in a darling 1940's house that I am slowly kitting out thanks to prayerful shopping. (Craigslist and consignment are two of my favorite words).

I wrote "Self healing [and] natural cures" at the top of that Miracle page. It was a mere hope at the time. I had just begun gingerly adding in grapeseed extract and aloe vera by day to my nightly Essiac Tea while reading Ty Bollinger's Cancer - Step Outside the Box. You should see the fistfuls of healing supplements I take now! My leaning INTO holistic healing modalities and stepping away from the "slash, poison and burn" mentality of most conventional cancer protocols were only just beginning. I didn't awaken one morning and say, "Fie on oncologists! To hell with you and your archaic methods of slowly killing your patients!" I don't believe a single oncologist or hematologist I worked with had a malevolent bone (!) in their being. Their underlying nice wasn't healing me, however.

"Let food be thy medicine, and medicine be thy food" wrote Hippocrates over 2500 years ago! And you know, he wasn't talking about Big Mac's, Twinkies or even some massively sugared Frappucino num-num.

I've shared with friends that if the allopathic world had been able to give me a guarantee, I might've been more of a mind to continue along with their guidelines. They can't. My prognosis is wretched even getting a bone marrow transplant, and that doesn't address quality of life. I was freed by their inability to say, "We WILL cure you!" I am freed as I turn to my One Lord and Savior, who promises me life eternal no matter how long I have on earth.

Let's get real - I'm not going to schlepp around in this body forever. But early 50's did seem a bit premature. Do I want to live vibrantly, happily, healthfully and in service for another say 30-40 years? Yeah! Will God have abandoned me if I don't? I think not. I not only have today, I am ENJOYING today. This is not a manic high or some delusional whistling in the dark. Without focusing too ardently on the possibility, everything could shift in the twinkling of an eye. My opportunity today is not to cringe from that but to walk lightly between the two worlds, fully present plus desiring more as well as fully present while accepting death before I have decided it's my "time."

"Surrender and Acceptance," I wrote while we all sat together in their living room. That is a part of my Miracle along with honest gratitude, feeling God's Grace, savoring another breath and continued natural healing.

Sometimes I feel as though I have crossed over from another realm.

Where I am today is a wonderful place.

alchemy

Can you read this? Either the Chinese characters or the significance in the herbs listed here? You can? Call me. If you don't have my number, you can send a happy thoughtform and just wave. For myself, I've begun to take these herbs while I have some hours ahead in research.

I continue my path of listening as best I can to the Holy Spirit. One of the scores! of my recent cross-country drive was knowing I "needed to do a cleanse." After my 5 days with the great now-friends from Hallelujah Acres in Golden, MO, I became a lover of organic vegan cuisine, more than three-quarters raw as best as I can. I had no intention of becoming a vegan or raw foodie, but hey, I've jumped on the bandwagon and feel pretty darn good in the process.

Another listening decision was wanting to explore Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). As it happened, my core consulting physician at Preventive Medical Center of Marin, Dr. Elson Haas, pointed me in that direction: Call Michael Broffman at the Pine Street Clinic in San Anselmo.

And so I did. After sending him copious pages in advance of our 1-1/2 hour session, scores of paper describing key crossroads in my life and healing journey, after sitting down and taping every brilliant word, after ordering a not insignificant array of herbal supplements from their website and then picking them up, I feel as though my group of allies is becoming more dear. The formula above, which I have just begun taking twice a day, is specifically for AML... that thing which is hacking coarsely on the sidelines while I praise God for today's abundant remission. It is part of a considerable array of healing herbs I had mostly chosen following my own research. They are being wisely fine-tuned by Michael Broffman and, dare I say, the Holy Spirit.

Part of the pile of paperwork I sent him included not only what I had been taking but a list of things I was considering..... suggestions from friends, a link here, another thought there... and for which I was waiting to connect with a California-based healing practitioner. Really now, there are only so many pills I can take in one day. As well I neither wish to fling myself at the feet of ANY human and say, "...just tell me what to do and I'll do it!" nor snort, "Thank you very much, I have this all figured out myself." It's important I find not only a way of living that will enable me to do just that - live! - but to work with people as a team and not just as an obedient and dim-witted patient. I was quietly delighted to hear from Michael, as he looked over my pile of paperwork, "What you're doing now is quite a good program." He then gave me some brilliant guidelines on HOW to choose with wisdom and discernment, which may be another entry. And he made his own suggestions. I nodded. I resonated.

I felt happy to reconnect with Elson Haas and extremely fortunate to connect with one of the core practitioners at Pine Street. Incidentally, if you click on the link, also click on the link for the Pine Street Foundation. There is a wealth of wisdom here!

The Clinic has two cancer-sniffing dogs ambling and lounging in the very Eastern-feeling waiting area, two large and somewhat indifferent-seeming standard poodles. While not a big fan of canines, I did begin to warm when I saw on one of their tags, "Talk to the paw." One of them later scratched at the door to the consulting room while I was with Michael. He let him in. Ling or Ming walked over and began to sniff my calf. "Oh gee," I blanched, "this makes me nervous."

Michael smiled. "Actually, they're trained to sniff out only four types of cancers. Yours is not one of them. Right now, he's just being a dog." And with that, the four-legged plopped down in a corner.

It's not just about the herbs. It's not even just about being a mostly raw vegan. My whole life rewiring has as its core my walk with Christ, from prayer practice to singing in the choir, from how much I give to my church in dollars as well as showing up at social events and moving past my history of nervousness in groups. I invite this spiritual walk with me everywhere, from a crowded 12-Step meeting to picking up the phone. It involves the laborious and not always fun process of catching up with WAY long-avoided paperwork. It involves making my way back into earning an honest crust so I can pay my rent and buy fun furniture for this new casa of mine. It's taking a quiet evening to write this post.

So the healing trek continues. We're past the winter solstice and move towards the spring.

Please pray for Haiti. Send them money if you can.

Alchemy takes disparate bits and turns them into something holy. Once it meant turning lead into gold. For me today, it means gathering up a basket of threads and asking God's breath to make it whole....

.... even beautiful.

make a joyful noise unto the Lord every day

... and oh was it a succulent pleasure on Christmas Eve when I was gifted to sing again with my choir from St. Paul's. Many of you know that exactly a year ago I watched the same service via Skype in my hospital room, putting sticky tape over my Macbook Pro built-in camera so that no one could see the tears streaming down my face. As it was, I was choking back the tears during many rehearsals. During the service, I sang and thanked God.

I began this blog 14 months ago with another name after I was slam-dunked with the AML diagnosis; it was the only way I knew to keep up with friends in many places while I was overwhelmed with the tsunami of this hideous health crisis. I am noticing that I write less frequently in here now, as the emergency aspects have blessedly evolved into positive lifestyle changes and daily grace. This is my Where's Waldo? space online for photo gallery links and updates. When hospitalized a year ago (a year ago!), I felt that I had a frail hand arising from a voracious ocean and many times you would grasp it when I couldn't even tell God was. (If you're a copy editor, forgive me for that last sentence). Today I am creating a renewed and joyous life based on God's Gracious Love, a still-strong remission, focused holistic health practices, community, work and play. Until it is time to cross over, and I have no idea when that will be, I will cherish every moment and all of God's Gifts as I am able. Clearly I'm still around for "some reason." Today I step into that with joy, curiosity and a listening ear.

Winter Solstice

This photo is from the pasture gate at Fisherman's Bothies where I spent a slow and healing time from April to mid-July of this year. Tony sent it to me as a Christmas greeting. This is a female pheasant next to a Rowan Tree, a Celtic symbol of considerable mystical attributes from the visionary to the psychic realms. I love it because it brings forth in me the quiet and peace I especially desire right now.

I am grateful to have the energy to create a renewed life here in Northern California. 'Tis the season, and much time is expended not only in my own slowly revived business but in welcoming Christmas and the joys of a new home. Right now a robin is in the cotoneaster tree outside my 2nd floor living room window, looking at me curiously. (At least I think s/he is looking at me. Looks can be deceiving). The other day a flurry of birds were stuffing their liddul faces with the red berries covering the branches. Soon I hope to find a small round corner dining table that could double as a desk perch with a heavenly view. Finding the right furnishings at the right prices takes time!

I have more of it today - the gift of time and presence - than was suggested a year ago, when I was in the leukemia lockup ward at Alta Bates Hospital in Berkeley. As we approach the Christmas Eve Midnight Mass at my Church, I stumble into tears when I recall that I was not able to sing with my choir a year ago.... and that my Church "beamed in" the service via Skype to my hospital room. I am reminded of the enormous gratitude that today I am NOT in a hospital, praying for my white blood counts to revive while getting nightly Neupogen shots to artificially coax them on.

This week I see two physicians at the Preventive Medical Center of Marin. Last week I met with their founder and director, Dr. Haas, who I had been seeing for health building prior to the rude interruption of leukemia. He's a fantastic healing practitioner and has referred me on to those who would help me zero in on the underlying issues of this bone marrow disorder. They are not "cancer doctors." As far as my awareness can say, if you're not an AMA Board Certified oncologist and you call yourself a "cancer doctor," bad things happen. These are my own observations after the considerable studies I've embarked on in the realms of alternative healing with cancer. Hang out a sign with the c-word in it, and wowie - suddenly you can only work in Mexico or another country. I will not quote books or websites here. So in addition to my own designed program of live foods, God's Grace and a growing array of nutriceuticals, I am giving myself the gift of others' wisdom. (Cue laugh track). I know where the chemo lives. I've had enough, today, thank you very much.

And my journey continues.

May this day bring you the magic, the grace, the spiritual enlivenment and the joy you desire at this most sacred time of year.

come on in from the cold!

I have created a new Mobile Me Gallery - which you can CLICK on HERE! - with some higher res photos of my new digs than were earlier offered via my iPhone's camera. Slo-tech with my Mifi device means that I can take this uploading opportunity to.....

....slow....

.............down.......

.......................just .......

....................................a bit

................................................with breath.

I'm tango'ing with a conundrum. Just one for now. It's been aeons since I had the energy and life force to dash about. My aliveness is delicious and is not the trapped behind leukemia ward bars of a year ago. A year ago. So I have this blessed energy which I would dare say is not manic but - but! Dare I push it and my little hardworkin' neutrophils (who I thank regularly for being SUCH troopers) will curl up in a corner and scowl. I neither need nor desire to be ill, from a common cold to swine flu.

I get to pray for balance.

And it's ADVENT! and I have this glorious new HOME! and it's all so much FUN! and I can breathe and be reminded that the blessed Saint Julian of Norwich would say, "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well." Thank you, Susie of Rivendell, for reminding me of that.

There is plenty to be fussed about, trust me. "Just for today" I'm choosing grace and praying for the release from those gripping, icy corners of my psyche that have had big ole hangin' tendencies in the past to chew me to the bone. And since my healing is daily and on all levels, including down to my bones, I shall choose God's Grace today.

So whassup with this glorious remission, speaking of bones?

Today I feel extremely well and grateful on a mostly organic, plant-based diet, supplemented with a gaggle of supplements (nutriceuticals) chosen mostly by myself to both nuke the cancer cells AND to strengthen my immune system so that this thing doesn't come back in spades and try to eat me alive again. I exercise every day that I am able, either brisk walking or jogging while eyeing a local gym AND the purchase of a Rebounder. I pray. I meditate. I have a spiritual community that feeds my soul, from my Church to my 12-Step groups. I'm beginning to work again, shifting the emphasis from living on savings to generating some gains. Next week I meet with a holistic physician so that I am not alone in this path. Did I say juicing? Did I mention the Blessed Sacrament and singing in my Church choir?

Yes. Yes!

At my Hallelujah Acres cleanse in Branson, we began our mornings with Bible Study. Me, an Episcopalian, getting to know the Bible! (This is an insider joke). And we found this passage in Proverbs 17:22: "A happy heart is a healing medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones."

Why did I get leukemia over a year ago? I don't know. However I believe that a significant contributor to my immune system malfunctions involves my heart, my emotions and my spirit. "...but a broken spirit dries up the bones." This is serious stuff. Yes, there were surely environmental toxins et al, but the life within needs my loving embrace. Not a dutiful pat, not a sideways glance, but deep care. If I truly believe that the Holy Spirit lives inside of me, in this earthly shell now invigorated, I cannot be cavalier.

Today I get to show up for this life while I wait for Mo or Izzy to snuggle up in their owl box just outside my living room window. It's cold and sunny today. It is a good day.